


everything i could never say...to you

by DivergentLunarShadowhunter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Canon, Canon Compliant, Coda, Episode: s14e10 Nihilism, Gen, M/M, basically this could've been a destiel scene but it wasn't so i made it one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 06:51:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17462681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivergentLunarShadowhunter/pseuds/DivergentLunarShadowhunter
Summary: When Sam and Cas went into Dean's mind, there were good memories- sounds of laughter and silliness and innocence.There were bad ones- screams of terror and pain and frustration.But there was one thing (or person) missing.[title from a lovely (ha) song by lovelytheband]





	everything i could never say...to you

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically what was going through my mind while watching this episode, so all I can say is sorry I've been corrupted by Destiel to the point where everything can, should, and will be about Dean and Cas.
> 
> just kidding.
> 
>  
> 
> I'm not sorry :)

_ “Why don’t we look through the good ones?” _

 

John was nowhere to be heard. Mary’s voice cooed at a toddler version of Dean, asking him if he wanted a sandwich. Sam was laughing with him as they drove in the Impala. A younger version was yelling at the fireworks that were lighting up the sky.

All things that you would expect, really. Memories of Sam dominated Dean’s mind- days, months and years old. There were old girlfriends and hookups here and there, too, little guilty pleasures that were kept in the background for when he needed them.

Sam searched for anything out of the ordinary, any stray thought that sounded off. Cas frowned. It wasn’t that he’d expected Dean’s mind to be filled with Cas, but he’d thought there’d be... _ something _ . They’d known each other for nearly a decade, and there was  _ nothing  _ here.

Cas was about to put his hand down when he felt it. There was a tugging, like an invisible resistance that Cas could reach out and touch. The tension blurred all the sounds together, and Sam and Cas looked at each other in confusion.

And then the dam broke.

 

_ Dean and I do share a more profound bond _

_ I guess we’re both a couple of dumbasses _

_ I’d rather have you...cursed or not _

_ I’m doing this for you _

_ I gave everything for you _

_ We need you _

_ I love all of you _

_ I need you _

_ I love you _

 

It was guilt and sadness and anger and acceptance. It was stupidity and anxiety and humility and sensitivity. It was  _ everything _ . It was all surrounded by one thing, the one emotion Cas couldn’t even bring himself to consider. It poured over them in a torrent, finally relieved from its locked box in Dean’s brain after years and years of suppression.

And it was all because of Cas.

He lowered his hand, and everything faded. Sam sucked in a breath. Cas’s heart was sinking, sinking, sinking with the terrible feeling of what he’d just done. They were in the deepest, darkest part of Dean, both literally and figuratively. They could feel every thought, every emotion, every secret that he’d kept to himself. This was way past an invasion of privacy- it was an  _ intrusion  _ without Dean’s consent, and Cas hated himself for it.

He turned away, raising his hand again to look at the other memories again. The ones Sam would know about, the ones that Dean had already shared.

“There,” Sam said finally, focusing on the sound of an unfamiliar conversation. He frowned as he heard a woman- was that  _ Pamela _ ?- talking to Dean, laughing as they clinked their shot glasses together.

One blink and they were there: Dean, wiping glasses behind the bar. Pamela, walking in with a new case of beer from the storage room. And Cas and Sam, standing in the back, eyes roaming around the room in confusion. Cas’s demeanor changed immediately when his eyes met Dean’s, hesitantly returning the smile the other man gave him in greeting.

“Hey, they’re back!”

 

* * *

  
  


It was time.

Michael sat in the storage room, smirking at the door. Truth be told, this wasn’t the direction he’d expected this to take. It was inconvenient to be stuck here, even temporarily- he had bigger things to take care of than Dean Winchester. He  _ was  _ a strong man, Michael had to admit, overwise he wouldn’t have ended up in this situation. But, like all humans, he had far too many weaknesses. It seemed to be an especially common trait in the Winchester family.

But it didn’t matter that he was in here. Not anymore, at least. He could already feel Dean’s control slipping; it would be easy to shake it off entirely within days. The idea had come when Cas and Sam had unintentionally glimpsed the one murky part of Dean’s mind that had been closed off to Michael. The archangel had put Dean in all sorts of scenarios, eventually placing him in the bar with the dead psychic, but never had this one crossed his mind (or Dean’s). Even Michael had had to admit that whatever it was that Dean was hiding, it must’ve been strong for it to protect itself from an archangel.

Now, thanks to Cas and Sam’s rescue mission, he knew what it was. And that was all the ammunition he would need.

Dean was asleep now, after falling into fitful naps only to be startled awake by nightmares or sudden obsessive thoughts.  _ Keep Michael locked up, stay on guard. Stay alert. It’s just you. It’s just you. It’s just you… _

“So,” Michael whispered in Dean’s ear. “What’s this I’ve been hearing about you and a certain Castiel?”

Dean rolled over in bed, haunted by the vision of Michael’s smile on his own face, and the ending began.


End file.
